I'm Not Fine

In exactly one week, Ethan will be recovering from his 2nd open heart surgery. We found out last week that we are on the schedule for Monday, September 14.

If you had asked me last week how I was doing with the news, I would have said "fine". But now, I am far from it. The "what ifs" have gotten the best of me, and I'm beginning to feel the anxiety weigh down my soul. I have no idea what to expect. Our first experience with heart surgery was such a shock and so NOT planned, that I don't know how to "plan" to send my son into the OR for yet another surgery.

I imagine that this will be a different kind of hard. Before, it was hard to see my newborn baby in such a fragile state. It was hard to not be able to hold him, or to do all those normal baby things. Now, I know him. I know his schedule, his likes, what to do to make him stop crying. I think I'm already grieving the temporary loss of those things. How will we keep his inquisitive hands from pulling at all of those tubes and wires? How will I be able to see him laying so still in a hospital bed, knowing how active he's capable of being?

I'm afraid that he'll backtrack developmentally. He's made SO much progress over the past 4 months (and especially in the past couple of weeks); so I pray that God will preserve that for him. I wonder if those same eyes that seemed to convey "why, Mama?" last time will be even harder to look into this time.

I pray that this surgery will be successful, and the recovery will be quick. I pray that we would avoid any complications that can come along. I pray for Dr. J, who's skilled hands will be handling Ethan's heart, and I pray for the nurses and doctors who will take care of him along the way. I pray that Jeramie and I will be strong by Ethan's side, but be real with our emotions amongst ourselves, and with family and friends.

I'm thankful for God's mercies that are new every day; but, don't let me lie to you. I am not fine.