On Motherhood and Family

A couple nights ago, surrounded by complete silence in an empty house, after scrolling through my facebook feed for the umpteenth time, it occurred to me - possibly the greatest irony of motherhood is longing for a break from the noise and chaos of everyday life, then not knowing what to do with yourself without the presence of those things.

With Ethan away at my parents' for a long weekend, and Jeramie participating in a men's weekend at our church, I found myself alone and bored out of my mind.  A few weeks ago, I could have rattled off a handful of things I would do if given a few days to myself.  That night, however, I couldn't recall a single one.  Crazy, isn't it?

It also dawned on me that, as a teenager, I probably attributed a great deal of frustration and "you're-driving-me-crazy" moments to my family.  But now, as an adult, they are quite possibly one of my biggest sources of sanity.  They (and my in-laws) sweep in at just the right time and give me the mental break that I sometimes don't even realize I need.

Having just celebrated Mother's Day, and thinking ahead to Father's Day, I am reminded of just how blessed we are - not only because we're the parents of an amazing little boy, but also because we have such wonderful parents of our own to lean on.  From the very beginning, they've been completely comfortable with Ethan's needs (who knew I would ever teach our moms how to use a feeding pump?!), and I love the relationships Ethan has built with each of them over the past four years.  I realize this isn't necessarily the norm for families today, and I am so thankful that this is our reality.

I had a moment on Mother's Day morning, though - after yet another negative pregnancy test - that tried to rob me of this joy I've been feeling. Talk about another ironic situation...

You see, I am fully mom to Ethan, yet I have one foot wedged in the door of infertility, blocking my way to mothering the second child we so desperately want.  It's easy to focus on the child we don't yet have, while over-looking the immense blessing of the one we do. 

It's quite the predicament.  One that I feel guilty for even expressing, and equally pray that I won't find myself in for much longer.

Until then, I'm looking up and reaching out - praying through the fears and frustrations, inviting others to do the same, and taking advantage of these moments of solitude that help to give me pause and re-focus my thoughts.

It seems that rest and reflection are all God intended for me to "do with myself" this weekend.  No to-do list needed - just resting in Him, quieting the worries of parenting and infertility and money, knowing that He is God in and through all of those things.

The Lord your God is with you

He is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

He will quiet you with his love,

He will rejoice over you with singing.

-Zephaniah 3:17