Saturday, March 14, 2009

Why?

Tonight I threw myself a pity party. I'm not sure what set it off; it may have been that Jeramie was having a little bit of a rough time during dinner, or that I was starting to get really tired, but as soon as I got some time alone the tears started to flow. Who knew that pumping could be such a therapeutic, spiritual time??? I began to feel sorry for myself, for my little boy, for my husband, for our family. I found myself pleading on Ethan's behalf that this would all be over soon. Although every day gets easier, I still hate seeing him like this. I hate that his feet look like pin cushions, that his lips are dry, that he can't cry. I can't wait for the day that I can hear that sweet sound. I begged God to take away the need for this pacemaker, to allow Ethan to grow up to live a normal active life, and to not have to endure ridicule for his differences.

I kept asking "why?", then I walked into his room and saw his sweet little face. I still don't understand it all and I still don't think it's fair, but he is my son. God chose us to be this precious boy's parents and that is one thing I don't ever plan to take for granted.

15 comments:

Wendy said...

Joye, my heart just breaks for you and Jeramie, as well as little Ethan. Everytime your family crosses my thoughts and heart (which is incredibly often, please know that!), my thoughts are quickly followed by reassurances that there are no two better people suited to be Ethan's parents than you and Jeramie. I cannot even begin to imagine or fathom what you and Jeramie must be feeling and going through, but I know Ethan couldn't ask for anyone better to love and cherish him. I am amazed and in awe of you both everyday for your strength and courage. I love you both :)

Diana said...

There are no words to suffice...praying for you, Jeramie, Ethan. Love you all!
Diana

Anne said...

Joye, It is hard to see people we love go through times of hurt. It has to be even worse to see your precious son going through so much... The exhaustion you and Jeramie must be feeling at this time... You and Jeramie and Ethan are all such fighters and I pray for strength for all of you to walk through these days. Love, Anne

Kim Smith said...

I threw myself a small pity party today too! I'm exhausted, healing from delivery, feel like a milk factory, have a cold that isn't going away, and feel like I can't sleep or catch up on "life" for anything! But even though being a new mom is one of the most difficult experiences that life offers, it's also one of the most rewarding... I know that you know this! I love you and am praying for all of you. Hope to see you soon. Miss ya lots! Hugs!!!

jason said...

Thank you for being so real. I am praying for peace for you and your family. As far as Ethan goes... he is going to have strength you and I will never know. I love you guys.

Genia said...

Stay strong sweetheart. I cannot understand how tough it must be right now. However, God chose you to be Ethan's parents for a very special reason. The two of you have such a love for each other, for the Lord, and for Ethan. The Lord will continue to provide. Stay strong and focused on your walk and the Lord will provide spiritual healing and strength for you both. You, Jeramie, and Ethan are on our minds constantly. We continue to lift you up in prayer daily, plus the boys pray for baby Ethan each time they bless our meal. We love you.

Taylor Barbour said...

My dear Joye, God has given you a wonderful capacity to love and understand. He knew that Little Ethan would need parents who would love him no matter what came thier way, and who better than you and Jeramie. It is not for us to understand God's plan, but to honor him as we follow it. May God continue to keep you all in His hands. Love ya, Taylor

Michelle Pyburn said...

I had my own pity party for the first 3 weeks of Courtney's life, asking why me, why her, how could God do this and then the weirdest, coolest thing happened! I got a wake up call....this is NOT about me! I thought about Courtney's little soul up in heaven with God looking down on my husband and me and saying to God, "I choose them...that's who I want my parents to be!" That was a real eye opener! Wow I have been chosen! It is not about me or what I did or didn't do, but about what I should and am about to do. I stopped crying and started DOING! You have the power to be the BEST thing that ever happened to Ethan and you are already proving that you are strong enough to do that! One day you will look back on these times and think, "I can't believe we made it!" You will find that your Ethan came into your life with his "struggles and issues" to teach you more than you could ever learn from a book or class. You will see that you are a better person, a better spouse, a better parent because of Ethan! In a nutshell...YOU WERE CHOSEN! Continued blessings, love and prayers, Michelle

Littlefoot Estrada said...

Joye,
It's all good to throw yourself a pity party but even better when you get out of it and rejoice in the blessings... God only gives you what you can handle and obviously he trusts you with great strength, perseverance, and faith. You are an amazing momma and Jeramie an amazing poppa! Can't wait to see all of you today and reassure that for you!!! : )Hang tight and know everything will work out the way it was planned!

Jesse Smith said...

Joye, I am amazed by your strength and ability to express in words in such a beautiful way the love that you have for Ethan. I think all of us have asked the "why" question this week. I have taken comfort in knowing that God could not have chosen a better set of parents to bless little Ethan with. Keep holding your head up. God never gives us anything that we cannot handle! Love you, Jesse

Terry said...

Dearest Joye and Jermaie, one of the things I've always loved and admired most about the both of you is that you are genuine -- real with emotion, laughter, and just full of love for God and family and life! God knows us from before we are even born and He knows our strengths & weaknesses. And our Lord knew who Ethan needed in his life -- Jeramie & Joye! I have no way of knowing what you're going through, but Praise God -- He lifts us up!! And we lift each other up in prayer. You continue to be uplifted in the prayers of many. Yours and Ethan’s experiences will likely touch many lives for the glory of our God. You’re going to have down times, but continue to be encouraged. We Love You!!!!

Audra said...

Joye, and Jeramie, too. My mother had some wise words for me when I was going through a particularly tough time, and just like you, I was wondering "WHY?!" Aren't I a good person? You know all the questions that go along with that sort of wondering. My mother simply said: "Audra, everything in your life prior to this has prepared you for this. So, not only will you get through this, but you will learn and grow from it, meet many wonderful people because of it, and will come through it the person you are supposed to be at that given time."

I can only think the same is true for you. You are a teacher who works with special needs children (granted, very different needs than Ethan has and will have) but that education, training and experience has given you the skills to deal with this in the manner in which you will. I don't know Jeramie's background, but I'm sure it has prepared him for this in the way he needs to be prepared.

It is so obvious that you have not only each other for support, but also that of your family, friends and, of course, church (though they are surely included amongst family and friends). You are so blessed. I know you know that - and you should also know it's ok to feel sorry for yourself, for your son, for whatever it is that is that gets you down. The joyous moments WILL outnumber those in which you are feeling bad or sorry for yourself.

Know that we all love and miss you. Raeyonna noted Thursday or Friday: "Mrs. Mullis, baby, wait wait wait [insert exasperated face and sigh here]...soon?" So I DID tell my kids that you had a boy. I'll be working on some Classroom Comedy Blogs soon - I'll let you know once they're up - I may even use this site!

Much love to you, Jeramie, Ethan and your families.

Amber said...

Joye - you are handling this like a true champion! I just got a chance to read your blog, and my heart goes out to you and your family. You are being so strong and Ethan is so lucky to have such a wonderful and loving mother. Like everyone has said below, I think it is meant to be that he was born to you. Your beautiful spirit shines through your words! On a lighter note, I LOVE the name you picked out for him and it fits him perfectly. I cannot get over what a handsome young man you have! That picture of him all bundled up in his blanket made me melt! I can definitely see your face in his face. I can't wait to meet him!

Sherri W said...

I don't know you, but Shannon is my husband's cousin, so we're family. But I saw your post on Shannon's blog and had to come and give you some love and prayers.

I cried when I read your post, but although my two son's have "different needs", they are needs all the same and pity parties will always come and then go for awhile. IT's normal. Cry if you want to girl, cry if you want to.

Your son is beautiful. You will surive and you will learn to overcome so much. He will bring you the pure joy and the "pureness" in life that you never thought imaginable OR never realizede you were missing. Trust me on this. My boys have autism, both are very high functioning now, but with my youngest, that was NOT the case for many years. And ...it was hard. I asked Why, too. Do I still ask why? Sometimes, but not often as they ARE 12 and almost 10. =) But, sometimes I get hit in the gut, and then I cry, and then I move right along with things. IT's all new, but you will be blessed beyond words and God is in control. He knew our children and made them EXACTLY how they were to be created. He knew; He knows. Through it all, you will find the peace that God has for you AND the purpose for which he has brought this baby boy into your life. You are the perfect parents for him, whether you always feel like it or not.

God bless you and your family during this time and always!

Sherri Winstead

www.sherriwinstead/blog

I'll share my family page with you too.

www.sherriwinstead.typepad.com/winsteadfamily

Anonymous said...

Joye and Jeramie, just wanted to let you know that you are all on my mind and have continued to keep you in my prayers. Our paster yesterday said such a special prayer for Ethan it made me tear up right there in church. Know that the prayers being said are being heard up above. I have gone through some of the things you are experiencing and it's hard but with faith and belief, you will endure and before long you'll be taking that little sweet baby home. Let me know if there is anything I can do.
Jeanne Caldwell (Tara's Mom)

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