On Motherhood and Family

A couple nights ago, surrounded by complete silence in an empty house, after scrolling through my facebook feed for the umpteenth time, it occurred to me - possibly the greatest irony of motherhood is longing for a break from the noise and chaos of everyday life, then not knowing what to do with yourself without the presence of those things.

With Ethan away at my parents' for a long weekend, and Jeramie participating in a men's weekend at our church, I found myself alone and bored out of my mind.  A few weeks ago, I could have rattled off a handful of things I would do if given a few days to myself.  That night, however, I couldn't recall a single one.  Crazy, isn't it?

It also dawned on me that, as a teenager, I probably attributed a great deal of frustration and "you're-driving-me-crazy" moments to my family.  But now, as an adult, they are quite possibly one of my biggest sources of sanity.  They (and my in-laws) sweep in at just the right time and give me the mental break that I sometimes don't even realize I need.

Having just celebrated Mother's Day, and thinking ahead to Father's Day, I am reminded of just how blessed we are - not only because we're the parents of an amazing little boy, but also because we have such wonderful parents of our own to lean on.  From the very beginning, they've been completely comfortable with Ethan's needs (who knew I would ever teach our moms how to use a feeding pump?!), and I love the relationships Ethan has built with each of them over the past four years.  I realize this isn't necessarily the norm for families today, and I am so thankful that this is our reality.

I had a moment on Mother's Day morning, though - after yet another negative pregnancy test - that tried to rob me of this joy I've been feeling. Talk about another ironic situation...

You see, I am fully mom to Ethan, yet I have one foot wedged in the door of infertility, blocking my way to mothering the second child we so desperately want.  It's easy to focus on the child we don't yet have, while over-looking the immense blessing of the one we do. 

It's quite the predicament.  One that I feel guilty for even expressing, and equally pray that I won't find myself in for much longer.

Until then, I'm looking up and reaching out - praying through the fears and frustrations, inviting others to do the same, and taking advantage of these moments of solitude that help to give me pause and re-focus my thoughts.

It seems that rest and reflection are all God intended for me to "do with myself" this weekend.  No to-do list needed - just resting in Him, quieting the worries of parenting and infertility and money, knowing that He is God in and through all of those things.

The Lord your God is with you

He is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

He will quiet you with his love,

He will rejoice over you with singing.

-Zephaniah 3:17

Happy Weekend!

Jeramie surprised me by taking the day off of work today. We have a fun weekend planned with friends, and I welcome a few extra moments of relaxation this morning.

This week had its fair share of emotionally draining days, but I'm choosing to focus on the happy as we head into our weekend...

Happy Moment #1
The Pulse Ox bill (Senate Bill 98) was signed into LAW by Governor McCrory on Wednesday! I am incredibly proud of our state, and have been blessed to meet so many wonderful people throughout this journey.  Way to go, NC!

Photo courtesy of You're the Cure: North Carolina

Happy Moment #2
Celebrating Mother's Day a few days early.  I am so honored to be this boy's Mama.

Happy Moment #3 
Early morning sunlight and Christmas PJs in May.  Enough said.

Happy Moment #4 
This boy wants to be just like his Daddy, and I don't mind it one bit.

I hope you find the happy in your days, as well.  Enjoy the weekend, friends!

A BIG Week!

Thank you so much for the prayers you prayed for Ethan on Tuesday.  The surgery went exceptionally well and we were in and out in less than three hours!

The obligatory pre-op family photo

In the early days (months... years...) of our journey with Ethan's heart, I probably would have rolled my eyes at someone asking for prayer for something as minor as removing a tube from the ear.  However, I've grown justalittle and learned a ton over these past four years.  I know that God cares about us, from the depths of our ears to the insides of our hearts, and wants us to give our fears and concerns to Him.  I've also learned that everyone has their own story - your child's "minor" health issue is as big of a deal to you as Ethan's heart defect is to me.  And, as a parent of a child whose surgeries have landed him all over the spectrum of severity, I can tell you that praying him through a simple procedure on Tuesday means the world to me! So, thanks for that.

Snuggling in with Disney Junior

Although the surgery itself was considerably easier than his past procedures, sending him away to the operating room is never easy.  I held back the ugly cry, but tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched my brave boy take the hand of a nurse and walk down the hallway with her.  The tears were equal parts proud and sad, but with surgery lasting less than 20 minutes, I wasn't sad for long!

Ethan woke up a little grouchy, but it wasn't anything that couldn't be cured with some Tylenol, a Push-Up, and Doc McStuffins.  And, before we knew it, we were on our way back home!

Post-op cuddles

Jeramie and I tried to talk to Ethan about how he felt once they got into the OR, but he only mentioned that he was "just a little bit scared, but brave, too".  I was curious to know what he remembered from being asleep, and he went into a crazy story about a silly pirate that looked like this....

Recreating the anesthesia-induced silly pirate

Ha! The Lord continues to protect my sweet boy's mind, and my heart swells with gratitude.

100% superhero

Yesterday was another big day for us.  For a while now, I've been working with the AHA and other parent advocates in North Carolina to pass a law that would require all newborns to be screened with pulse oximetry before going home from the hospital.  Given that the screening likely saved Ethan's life, I'm pretty passionate about it being mandated for our state!

Well.

Yesterday - May 1st, 2013 - the House of Representatives unanimously passed Senate Bill 98, sending it to the Governor for his signature! At some point this month (hopefully!) this bill that we have worked so hard on will become LAW.  I can and can't believe it all at the same time.

Ethan was with me as we watched the House vote on this life-saving legislation, and I was overcome with emotion.  My heart was pounding, my hands were shaking, and when they gave him a standing ovation from the House floor, it was all I could do to keep myself from jumping up and down.  They weren't just clapping for Ethan, but for all the children and families across our state who have gone down this path.  It was indescribable.

Be proud, North Carolina.  We did it!!

Silly faces before the House convened

Celebrating outside the House gallery!

I hope you are having an equally wonderful week!

Surgery Time

Hey friends - I hope you're all having a wonderful start to your week!

I got the call from the hospital this morning regarding Ethan's surgery for tomorrow.  Ethan is second case, and the surgery is set to start around 10:00 a.m.  Dr. H has the operating room booked for half an hour, so we should be out of there by lunch time.  This is our first experience with a non-Duke hospital, so I'm a little nervous about that, but I'm certain he'll be in good hands.

If y'all would pray specifically for the following things, I'd really appreciate it:
...a quick, non-complicated removal of the tube,
...easy recovery from anesthesia, and
...lots of rest tonight and low anxiety tomorrow!

Thanks, everyone.  From open-heart surgery, to minor ear surgery, I can always count on y'all to pray with us for our boy!

Happier Days

Over the past few days, we've taken a "family breather".  There has been lots of park time, lots of togetherness, and lots of conversations about how we can best help our boy become the man we envision.  A week later, I'm feeling much better about things.

It has also helped to know that "weird" is apparently the word-of-the-day for this other little boy and, from what we can tell, his comment towards Ethan was not malicious in any way.  (Inappropriate, for sure, but not malicious.)

Who knew I could become so undone by a couple of four-year-olds?! That chapter was not in any parenting book I've ever read!

Today we're having a "lazy day", at Ethan's request.  He woke up in the middle of the night with ear pain and, sure enough, he has an infection is his tube-free ear.  His left ear still hasn't given up its tube, so after a quick chat with the ENT nurse about this new infection, surgery is still a-go for next Tuesday.

With that said, I'll leave you with some pictures in exchange for your prayers! Deal?

Ethan and this squirrel would have chased each other around this tree all day if we'd let him.

Nothing says, "It's gonna be OK" like your four-year-old picking a flower for you.

Thanks for checking in, and have a wonderful week!