Emotions

Ever had one of those weeks that made you wish there were a "do-over" button? That's kinda how I feel about this one. My emotions have been running haywire lately and I'm not exactly sure why.

Actually, that's probably a lie. I can think of a couple reasons...

For starters, Ethan has somehow acquired his first cold. This, paired with these darn teeth, is really making him one unhappy baby. I imagined my last week at home with him would be full of smiles, laughs, and games. Not so much. He is absolutely miserable and it has been tough for both of us. We have gotten in a couple of good cuddle sessions, though. Who knew a snotty baby laying on your chest could create such a sweet moment?

Then there's the whole "going back to work" thing. One minute I'm fine with it, and the next I'm crying all over the place. I think I'm more worried about how I'll balance it all than I am about being away from him. You've got to understand, I had to leave my baby during his most critical moments in life; I know the heartache that comes along with leaving your child in someone else's hands. In a way, I feel like our time at Duke allowed me to "get over" that. And, as far as childcare goes, we have the most ideal situation. Not only will Ethan be at home 2 days a week with Jeramie, but he'll be with Mandy the other 3 days. Aside from me staying home with him, it doesn't get much better than that. I know I'll miss seeing him throughout the day, and I'm sure I'll even cry the first couple of weeks, but I'm more worried about the big picture. I pray I'll still be able to manage our crazy appointment schedule (and hopefully make it to most of them), as well as continue to advocate for him with as much energy as I do now. I pray that Ethan will have a smooth transition, for his and Mandy's sake. I worry about what will happen when he has weeks like this one. Worry, worry, worry...

It also hasn't helped that we recently bought a new computer, and we're in the process of moving over all of our pictures. Looking at pictures of our first days in Duke, as well as seeing pictures of precious babies who are now in Heaven, just sent me over the edge. I couldn't help but think about how unfair all of this, and wish for that do-over button like never before.