All of Me

"All of Me" from Ryan Lynch on Vimeo.

This song, "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt, has been buzzing around the CHD world for quite some time now.  I was a blubbering mess the first time I heard it and, since then, I've found it impossible to listen to it without tears in my eyes or down my face.  Once I saw the video above, of Matt speaking about writing the song, I knew it was time to share my thoughts here.

It's kind of crazy, but songs by Sanctus Real/Matt Hammitt have had quite an impact on my life for about five years now.

I first became aware of the band, Sanctus Real, in 2005 when I heard their song "The Face of Love" on K-Love.  At that time, Jeramie and I were preparing to be part of a local church plant and our leadership team was struggling to find a name for our new church.  I heard "Face of Love" that day and immediately e-mailed our pastors, telling them that I heard this great song and felt like it touched on what we, as a church, value.  The conversation continued and, at some point, Visio Dei (Latin for "face of God") was put on the table as an option.  It stuck, and we became Visio Dei - a group of people seeking, and showing, the face of God in our community and our world.

You are the face that changed the whole world
No one too lost for you to love
No one too low for you to serve

So give us the grace to change the world
No one too lost for me to love
No one too low for me to serve

Then, fast-forward three years.  It was the summer of 2008 and I had just found out I was pregnant.  My body seemed to want to reject the life growing inside of it, and there was a period of time when I wasn't sure what would happen.  Enter: "Whatever You're Doing".  I was teaching summer school and remember driving to work one morning when it came through my speakers.

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

It was so surreal, and talk about crying! Little did I know, then, exactly what God was up to.  And just how big and heavenly it would be.

So, then, Ethan entered our world on March 8th 2009.  You all know what happened from there and I quickly found myself in the company of families I had never met.  I used this blog as my outlet and found other parents who did the same.  I navigated my way through this new community, and connected really well with a handful of mamas.  It was (and is) commonplace to share Care Pages, CaringBridge sites, and blogs of newly diagnosed families and, a year ago now, I found my way to Bowen's Heart.  I couldn't believe it when I realized I was reading about Matt Hammitt's (the lead singer of Sanctus Real) son.  This musician, who God had used so strongly to speak to me, had now found himself in the same world of breathing tubes, IV drips, and tiny wide-open chests.

Once again, I found myself connecting so deeply with his words, but this time they were in written form.  I couldn't stop reading about, or stop praying for, this sweet baby boy and this man who had now become so "human" to me.

When his wife, Sarah, posted the lyrics to "All of Me", worlds collided.  While Ethan's and Bowen's stories are very different, the emotions that song conveys is so on target for anyone who has walked this journey.  Fortunately (or, unfortunately; however you look at it) Jeramie and I didn't have months to prepare for Ethan's condition.  I experienced excitement all 39 weeks of my pregnancy (not to say there wasn't fear at times).  Ethan was placed on my chest the second he left my body.  I held him, nursed him, and loved on him for eight entire hours.

But then, once he was taken from me, it came.  Despair.  Fear.  Anger.  The thoughts and emotions that some parents have weeks to work through came to me in a matter of minutes.  When I was finally allowed to be with him, I found myself fearful of touching my own baby.  Grieving over the cry I couldn't hear.  Beyond angry that any of this was happening in the first place.

It was all there.  Every word of "All of Me" was stirring around in my own soul.  The loss of control.  The pain.  Just wishing I could be enough.  But, even amidst the nastiness of emotions comes the love.  And the love you feel for your child in a moment like that is indescribable.

Praise God for bringing something so beautiful out of something so broken!

Ethan - I'm all yours, and you are so worth it.

Afraid to love something that could break
Could I move on if you were torn away?
I’m so close to what I can’t control
Can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I’ll share with you

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

Heaven brought you to this moment
It’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

Let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

-"All of Me", Matt Hammitt