There is no Plan B...

A man's heart plans his way,

but the Lord directs his steps.

-Proverbs 16:9

Friends, I have a story to tell you. 

As y'all know, I've "gone public" in the past few months with my infertility struggles.  What you might not know is that in the past year or so, I've found myself frustrated and at peace, expectant and let-down, full of hope and full of sadness.  It has been quite the journey and, honestly, one that I expected to culminate in pregnancy and the birth of a beautiful baby.

But.

Our plans aren't always God's plans, are they? While that can cause much frustration and many questions, I've found great comfort in knowing that God's way is always "Plan A".  Nothing catches Him off guard.  Nothing surprises Him.  He is sovereign and so incredibly good.

So, with all that said, let me tell you that this story has nothing to do with infertility or me being pregnant.  It has everything to do with obedience to and faith in a God that is way bigger than me.  It seems that He is in the business of reshaping not only Ethan's heart, but mine as well.

About two months ago, a wonderful friend of mine invited and encouraged Jeramie and me to participate in a three-week long fast with her and her husband.  Jeramie and I were on the cusp of a big decision as it related to my "unexplained infertility" and I was feeling uncertain and overwhelmed.  I had a sense that we should hold off on treatments, so it seemed like a great time to step away and intentionally seek the Lord's guidance. That was July 8th.

We just so happened to have home group the first night of our fast and it was one of the first weeks of a new series - Radical by David Platt.  If you've read the book, you know how heavily you struggle with figuring out how to live the way Jesus commands us to live. Our group had a particularly tough conversation that evening, but it was then that I first felt the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart for what it meant for our family.  Being the stubborn person I am, though, I ignored it the best I could.

For the next three weeks, I was inundated with - but continued to push away - those tugs and whispers.  All the while, I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test to see if the fast was "paying off".  At that point, I honestly expected to find out I was pregnant without the help of drugs and medications and I was ready to declare the miracle God had worked in my body. With each negative response, however, the call became stronger and stronger.

On August 5th, exactly one month from the start of the fast (and a week out from having finished it), Jeramie and I sat down together for dinner at Chick-Fil-A.  I told him that I was still feeling some hesitation about starting our next round of treatments and I wasn't sure why.  I described it as if God had put a lead jacket on me and was telling me to "just wait".

As I was explaining all of this to Jeramie, I noticed that he was nodding in agreement with me.  It was in that moment, when he looked at me and said, "Have you ever thought about adopting?", that I knew I couldn't fight it any longer.

God had clearly and separately spoken to Jeramie and me over the course of the fast; little did I know that he had been hearing and trying to ignore the exact same thing.  As we sat in our booth that night, with a t-ball team beside us and waffle fries in front of us, God made it abundantly clear that adoption is His undeniable plan for our family.

We don't really know what that looks like right now, but we're confident that God is calling us to stop our plan for birthing a baby and pursue His plan for adopting one.  Yes, we still fully believe that God can bless us with additional biological children; we've even joked that we may end up with a gaggle of them before this is all said and done.  It's exciting and terrifying all at once.

We are currently overwhelmed with where to start, but we're simply obeying His call and trusting He'll provide.  This whole process is painting an incredibly beautiful picture of the Gospel and our 'adoption' as children of God.  We are humbled to experience it in this way.

We covet your prayers during this time, specifically as we discern the next steps we're to take.

And for the child who will find their way into our arms and hearts...

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

-John 14:18