Monday, September 7, 2009

I'm Not Fine

In exactly one week, Ethan will be recovering from his 2nd open heart surgery. We found out last week that we are on the schedule for Monday, September 14.

If you had asked me last week how I was doing with the news, I would have said "fine". But now, I am far from it. The "what ifs" have gotten the best of me, and I'm beginning to feel the anxiety weigh down my soul. I have no idea what to expect. Our first experience with heart surgery was such a shock and so NOT planned, that I don't know how to "plan" to send my son into the OR for yet another surgery.

I imagine that this will be a different kind of hard. Before, it was hard to see my newborn baby in such a fragile state. It was hard to not be able to hold him, or to do all those normal baby things. Now, I know him. I know his schedule, his likes, what to do to make him stop crying. I think I'm already grieving the temporary loss of those things. How will we keep his inquisitive hands from pulling at all of those tubes and wires? How will I be able to see him laying so still in a hospital bed, knowing how active he's capable of being?

I'm afraid that he'll backtrack developmentally. He's made SO much progress over the past 4 months (and especially in the past couple of weeks); so I pray that God will preserve that for him. I wonder if those same eyes that seemed to convey "why, Mama?" last time will be even harder to look into this time.

I pray that this surgery will be successful, and the recovery will be quick. I pray that we would avoid any complications that can come along. I pray for Dr. J, who's skilled hands will be handling Ethan's heart, and I pray for the nurses and doctors who will take care of him along the way. I pray that Jeramie and I will be strong by Ethan's side, but be real with our emotions amongst ourselves, and with family and friends.

I'm thankful for God's mercies that are new every day; but, don't let me lie to you. I am not fine.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Continue to stay strong (but also take time for you...thank you for being honest). You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. ~Emily H.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you, your family, and the doctors and nurses! Stay strong and thanks for being honest :)
-Linnea Bethany

Anonymous said...

May God grace you with the strength and peace to get through this again. Dagen and I are praying for baby Ethan, his mama, and daddy. Love and miss you!

lieskie said...

Hang in there Joye. Your faith, love and strength will get you and your little one VERY far and bring you peace during this very difficult time. So wish I was getting updates daily. I think about you nearly that often even though I don't see you, your students or your classroom every day.

Best of luck on Monday and the recovery period after.

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